Welcome to CYB| Chea-Yee's Blog.

This blog captures the musings and anecdotes of the daily life of a Malaysian who is now living in Melbourne, Australia.


Journal: Honesty

Blogging sure is big business these days. Or right after the PPS 2nd anniversary meet up....not to mention that the Star Paper made a huge write up on it.
Ok, I seriously had no idea what PPS was nor what it stood for, before the whole Kenny Sia winning the Blog of the Year awards or reading the IreneQ on why she didn't Ping at all. Hmmm...Hmmm...Hmmm..

Basically, blogging was to me, a medium to let others keep in touch with what I am doing....But these days, blogs are major things. A medium to sell your vision. ideas. personality. Regardless if that is really your true self or not...

Anyway, my point is....I was ruminating over something that IreneQ said in one of her entries recently. Basically, she stated the reason why she didn't ping when a fellow blogger at the PPS asked her..


I don't know if anyone who will read this. Nor will they care. Most of the people I knw in real life have never actually heard of blogging, nor are bothered or actually heard of it. But then again, I don't go around advertising my blog.

I am currently doing the 40 Purpose Driven Life with a local church. Yet before all this happened, as anyone who does reads my blog, would know that I am trying to recommit my life to God.

If anyone is familiar with the words or teachings of the Bible, it basically states that we are to sacrifice our own desires and wants for the sake of others. Yes. Is that impossible? Of course not. Joshua Harris has done it, to name one. He stopped dating for 3 years. His act of faith which is written in his book, Boy Meets Girl, has inspired many others to do the same as well. His act of faith was to stop dating and wait upon God, that God would bring the right woman into his life. And he got married in within less than 5 years?


Some of us can't even find the right one after 5 years!!

Which comes now to my point.
You know, sometimes I want to do right, but, when I do, I get reprimanded by others for my good intentions. Or my actions. Coz people misconstrue it.
Or, I want to dress appropriately, because I want to be a good testimony for my faith. Or I refuse to go to certain places, because it would reflect on my testimony.
As it is, how can I be a light, if I hide mine under a bushel? or let my light shine so that others can see it and praise my Father in heaven. Matthew 5:13-17. etc?

You know, sometimes it is hard to sacrifice what you really want to do, with carnal and worldly thoughts, such as swearing, dressing like a slut, not thinking dirty thoughts, masturbating, making a stand for what you really want, flirting and all that kind of thing, because you want to think of the good of others.
But yet, when we see how others are getting the benefits instead, or having the attention that you so really want and crave as well (though you may not admit it), you would (undoubtedly) start complaining to God.

Yet half of my waking hours (oh yes!), I am deluged and barraged by a whole lot of swearing here and there, advertising that promotes the use of women's sexiness. Sex is sold everywhere. Ironically, it is something that gains the attention of others. As human creatures, all of us crave attention. Regardless good or bad. Some have stronger self restraint and will power. Some like me, have less.

My carnal self is fighting the desire between trying to be good and protect my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters, and the other half, to act like a slut and dress half naked and talk and swear at the same time. Yet, over the past three months, I have succeeded in the first half. Which is to do good, and not the latter half.

Hmmm....I was looking at the mirror whilst at the gym today. And I said to myself, you know, I could walk out of my faith and just indulge my slutty self and carnal self.

Dress like a slut. Dress half naked. Talk like one.

Go barhopping and disco-ing.

Indulge my carnal self.

Find someone to hump.

Have a one night stand with someone from the bar.

Have multiple boyfriends.

Have sex without a condom.
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Thoughts like actually finding some guy and putting whipped cream and strawberries on some naked guy's body and licking it off and humping him away like rabbits the whole night without a care of what will happen the next day, and at the same time having voyeuristic thoughts of being secretly or openly video-cammed or thoughts of such...*damn*.

But I haven't. I have not done any of it. Much as I think I would like to do any of the above.
Indeed these are the thoughts that pervade my mind for the past 3 months.
You won't get this complete honesty from me in real life.

Coz *something* stops me from proceeding with it.

I guess it really is God's strength upon my life daily, because I know I wouldn't have been able to do it by myself. In fact, I may have actually gone out and do whatever it is I have listed out.

And I really think that that has made all the difference.

It is not because the Church tells us that sex is wrong. But it is remembering the love and what Christ has done for us is what keeps me going. That He has sacrificed everything for us, so that we could have everything! Amen!


torment said...

MAde all the difference? How would you know how hot the sun was if you never ventured from the shade?

No, I'm not asking you to do all the things you wrote, but please, do not confuse faith with fear.

Yes, fear, driven deep into our subconscious since childhood by our priests, pastors, parents.

The rare Christians who have succumbed to the darkest depths of humanity and returned with a belief in God so unshakeable and a compassion for all sinners so consuming, they leave me humbled to the very core.

Sadly, the majority of Christians are those who live their days huddled in their comfort zone, neorotically afraid of the unknown,
seeking out like-minded people to reaffirm their beliefs, gathering and singing songs, and highly judgemental of those not like them.

Instead of spending your life "fighting against the devil putting carnal thoughts in your head", and singing praises to God of how you "overcame", why not challenge yourself by actually doing Christian work that matters - give weekly tuition to the poor, join in gotong-royong at charity homes, or if you're matured enough, volunteer with crisis organizations that help suicidals, drug addicts, protitutes, and so on.

I'm not judging you, my dear, don't misunderstand. I am just like you.
But I think you're wasting a lot of potential by fighting imaginary battles in your mind.

ps: This is an interesting topic to explore further, but unfortunately, I better not do it here. :)

cheayee said...

ha ha....and i had just gone to your blog just before entering this entry. *lolz*.

Hmmm.....of course I have been out in the sun before. And have got a dark tan.Burned at that as well.

It is not driven deep by my people around. Thing is, I have never really cared what elders thought. So, no it is not a fear.

I have bounced back..and have got my faith back. But the journey is a long way back. Not unlike the prodigal son...

I guess all of us have to find by ourselves what our purpose in God is and what HIs purpose for us is.

cynical-idealist said...

Hey, I came across your blog, and I found this entry very relavent to me. I'm a struggling Christian too, and it's comforting to read about other people's journeys too.

cheayee said...

Oh, joy!


I would say that it is a relevant entry to a lot of people. More so, for those who are trying to keep their walk in His direction.

Of course, there are those who think that we, are too rigid and the church should lighten up on such teachings.
But really, why walk the often walked path?

Romans 12:1-2

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