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Welcome to CYB| Chea-Yee's Blog.

This blog captures the musings and anecdotes of the daily life of a Malaysian who is now living in Melbourne, Australia.

NEWSLETTER

Choices.

I was just reading my friend's blog. Can't reveal where it is. She'll kill me if I do...

I have never had any trouble expressing my feelings. More so, if I like the guy. I have always been more of a guy-girl than a girl-girl. Never the type who would wait for a guy to actually tell me how he feels. blah blah blah.

But the point of it all is, *what is the point* of expressing how you feel for someone if you already know that the person is not right for you? The thing is, I have done it before.I am not going to tell you how many times though!! *laughs!!*

Do I regret it? *Ummmmmm*

No. I don't and I still don't. Coz I made that choice. I dare to do it. I dare to admit it.
But if you falsely accuse me of something I didn't do, I will fight till the day I die and not admit it, because I was falsely accused of something I didn't do.

I was willing to make the choice to go first with it. I am a risk taker, you can call me that. Even if the guy didn't like me! *laughs*
Sometimes we are just thrown into a situation where we absolutely have no control over. Sometimes we just end up liking someone, and we can't exactly control whom we choose to *fall in love*, can with?

Do I fall in love easily?

*Hmmmmm*
Not really either. Not these days anyway.

It is true that when we like someone, even silently, much of how we feel will still show in the way we interact with them. Am I afraid of rejection? The answer is NO. (But it really depends on the situation, still)

I am a risk-taker. Always has been. Always will be. I guess that is the way I was created to be, even though God said, "Oh child of mine, please wait upon me to send the right one". I absolutely do not think it is crap. However, I think I may jump the gun each time. *lolz*.

Howver I can be too much of an optimist and whiny at times!! *laughs*.

The only thing now is that I am now wiser from my experience. I mix wisdom + experience + God = Godly choice.

*sticks tongue out*. *makes face*.

Am I still single? Well, *Duh* Obviously.

I am only just waiting.

Trying to wait. *laughs*.

And here I digress.

But I have already given my heart away. I am asking God to help me close my heart to the past and give it back to me. There is the point of surrendering my heart a few months back, and there is the process of keeping it surrendered. Even now.

I feel emotional each time I think about how great it is that God wants me to give up the most important thing that to me is worth more than gold. My thoughts and feelings.

But cant you see that I am a fighter? I am no Jonah, but I am a fighter. I don't give up easily.

I fight with God each day. And each day, He tells me the same thing over and over again. Give it up. Give it up.
And I resist. Resist like mad. I hear His voice. I give Him 80 percent, he wants the left over 20 percent.
He wants every thing. I am so frustrated coz I want to keep some.
But He is there. He hits. and hits. and He demands more. He wants 100 percent.
And I keep saying No.
Sometimes I feel like saying, "God cant you leave me alone, and let me be by myself??

And he wants my heart. And my love. Yes. My love.

My love. Yes. My love. My sweet love for that someone that is almost driving me insane. Insane enough that I know that it is what is driving me further away from God's presence.
Insane enough that i would keep questioning God. Insanely still stubborn.

And I know it. I know it. I feel it every day. I feel this pain of my love everyday. It makes me cry everyday.
He is asking me to give up my love onto the altar. But when I do, it keeps crawling off.
Yet I know my love for God is more than my love for him. That is why I let it go.
I know. I'm trying really hard. I really am.

But God said, It is not enough. You need to give me more than that 80 percent. Where is the rest of it??

God wants me to put my love for him on the altar.
I know I have to obey. I know I have to. And yet I keep resisting. Sometimes I just give up and give in. Sometimes I don't. Then I take it back. And He is there wherever I turn. It is so scary.

1 comment

cynical-idealist said...

You remind me so much of myself sometimes. :p

I'm still struggling with feelings of attraction and this time I promise myself not to make the first move. Ai...life so complicated.

I'm trying to give God my all too, but sometimes it's hard to know what he wants me to do when it comes to matters of the heart.

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