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Welcome to CYB| Chea-Yee's Blog.

This blog captures the musings and anecdotes of the daily life of a Malaysian who is now living in Melbourne, Australia.

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Moon River ruminations.

For the past one week, I have not had the mood nor the time to even practise my organ pieces. I meant to do it yesterday night after returning from college, but I was too tired after being done with an article. I was already halfway falling asleep whilst doing the article for that matter!

Surprisingly, my teacher passed one of my music pieces today! Hah. So much for practisng anyway!
Anyway, today I was working on the "Moon River" piece today. Ordinarily, it would seem a rather melancholic piece, but I was actually feeling really good as I played it. It seemed to me such a joyous and happy tune as I played it today.

I have been sick for the entire one month, and I have only just recovered. Thankfully I didn't have to go and see the doctor for probably about the 3rd time in less than a month's time!

Well, I have God as my healer! ;-)

I was sick last week, so I had to cancel my Personal Training session with Khudairi and also to postpone my music class last Tuesday to Wed instead. Mdm. Choi asked if it was a heart related , or physical sickness that I was suffering, and to which, I replied it was a physical problem lar!
OI!! I had a really bad fever on Monday ok!
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The last one week has been one of internal rumination of past experiences and thoughts.

Isn't it true that humans try their best to keep away repeat experiences of pain as far as possible?
I have been reading this book that I borrowed from a friend. She didn't think it of any use to her, but the moment I read it, I somehow felt connected to it. It is called, Reinventing Your Life, by Young. Jeffrey & Klosko, Janet.

Admitting that we are and that we have a problem is actually the first step to solving it. The more we run away from a problem, the more it will continue to haunt us. Especially if it is a self-defeating cycle which leads to more problems in the long run.

When I was feeling depressed, there were times that I had wish my life had turned out differently.
How I had wished that I would have a different set of a family that I was born into, a different school that I had studied at, and even that I had a different personality altogether. I even wished I was not even the person that I am now at all!

But seriously, wishing and hoping really cannot change reality or yourself. And that IS the REALITY of the situation. Sometimes, I wonder if God had any use for a person like the one I am....

God says that it is our experiences that is WHAT HE is able to use us for? I am not really too sure about that, but only time can tell. Although His Word says so, but sometimes, really, I need something more tangible to fall back on.
I would like to say that even The Ugly Duckling had a good ending to the story...I wonder how would my ending be like?

I was reading a fellow Singaporean blogger's website. She was ruminating about the school she went and how she was one of the worst students in her highly ambitious class in one of the highly ranked academic school, and how many of her classmates had gone on to complete their degrees in some highly ranked university in Singapore whereas she was just a diploma holder in some god-forsaken- field-of-some-sort which was probably not looked on highly by her peers or something of that sort.
Fellow blodgers to her website told her that it was not a paper academic qualification which would help her or is a measure of her success in life. To which, I do agree that THAT is true.
She is no less an unsuccessful blogger. In fact she is ONE of the most successful bloggers around that it MAKES money for her.

I thnk what is most important however, is that as a person, and an individual, is that I am aware of my circumstances and the reasons or intentions behind my actions and what it is I have to do next.
Yet for me, reliving the entire pain and all the emotions that come with my depression is essential to help me move forward in life. In a way, it helps ground me to reality as it helps me understand and lets me be more conscious of my actions and behaviour as an individual.

WHy be envious of the success of the next person? Would that really help me in anyway but just to make me annoyed and scheme evil things? That really seems silly to me anyhow.

Being able to do the things that I would be able to draw the most passion out of and that satisfies my desires and needs, is probably somethng that is worth striving for. Doing things I like, like watching and doing theatre, writing, being myself, insanely mad & crazy, totally affectionate and mad and loud at the same time, not being the mainstream person and girl like everyone else, is what I have been doing and enjoying about myself along all this while.

To say that we do not need others is truly a fallacy. No man is an island. Yet people who need people are the happiest people in the world. How ironic. We all strive and need attention and approval from others on some level or another. It just depends on how much approval we need, that is.

I enjoy blogging. and writing. When I was younger, I used to keep a diary. Damn. In fact, I have been keeping a diary since I was 14. I enjoyed reading lots and lots of books. Classics for that matter from Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, mysteries, Anne of Green Gables, Sherlock Holmes, thrillers. You get the gist. I also used to write stories. Lots and lots of it and showed to people (who would read it). Until about Form 3 and then stopped. Why? No idea.

My mother used to frown upon it and always compared me to my brother, who was only into his bloody soccer games and Police Quest games, and kept saying that playing computer games was probably much better than keeping a journal of sorts.
Do you think I cared? Do you think I listen? I mean, what do you think would have happen if I did listen to her?
Hmm...then again, when DID she ever listened to me anyway?? She barely ever asked me about my side of the story anyway. How does that make me feel, lar?
But then again, I don't look for her approval now. I'm not 15 anymore.

I would not say that I am a very good writer. Yet, blogging has really brought the love of writing back to me. I would say, it is probably my main medium of expressing my thoughts to the world out there now.

Well, you WAIT for me World. I'll Show YOU!

2 comments

CAL said...

Poor thing. So what surgery are you getting done on your teeth?

cheayee said...

Uh....I'm recuperating emotionally. I just need you guys to bear with me as I cease less to hyperventilate but yet still am.
:-P
Just try to distract me with some other boring topic that will engage my attention like your mother did the other day....ha ha ha.
Yes. And thanks for your support.

It's called wisdom tooth removal.Damn. It's already protruding out!

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